Happy Tuesday you lovely people of America! So did you see the latest video by Donald Trump? He's running for president, don't you know? I got some supporters here and he's wasting no time proposing a list of things to make America great again. So what's his bold national vision for America? How about brand new cities on government land and would the objective be a quantum leap in the American standard of living?
DONALD TRUMP: Our objective will be a quantum leap in the American standard of living. Almost one-third of the land mass of the United States is owned by the federal government. We should hold a contest to charter up to ten new cities and award them to the best proposals for development, a new shot at homeownership. And, in fact, the American dream.
You want bold? That's bold. As bold as using hot sauce to treat herpes. That's not a suggestion. Some people learn the hard way. We keep hearing about affordable housing, but no one really ever has a handle on it. And that's because our cities aren't built for adding that to the mix. Cities are now for the elites and their therapists. So it's time for new towns, planned wisely, from the ground up. And one town could also be a solution for the homeless by choice. Sure, you can live off the land, but not on my front lawn. You can't crap in front of my kids or piss in my flower bed. Only I can do that.
So you want to live a rent-free, bill-free, drug-fueled existence? Maybe there's a new city for that. One with medical help, food and tents. After all, why should those perks only be for illegal immigrants? But they'd live separately with civilized society nearby in case these folks decided to stop being a Democrat. So who can argue against this? Well, since Trump thought of it, probably everyone in the media. He also talked about an idea that Ted Kennedy was way ahead on - flying cars. You know, I bet there are dozens of major companies in the United States and China racing to develop vertical takeoff and landing vehicles for families and individuals.
DONALD TRUMP: Dozens of major companies in the United States and China are racing to develop vertical takeoff and landing vehicles for families and individuals. Just as the United States led the automotive revolution in the last century. I want to ensure that America and not China, leads this revolution in air mobility.
FLYING CAR COMPLETES FIRST INTERCITY TEST FLIGHT
Not China. Talk about forward-looking. While Democrats look at the past and tell us everything we've done is evil. Trump is saying, 'look ahead. We can do anything.' We're not the Flintstones. We're the Jetsons. That was an animated TV show about a space-age family, Kat. It had a robot housekeeper named Rosie. She wears a maid's hat and an apron and a dress. Talk about a bright future. Even the robots' new housework is women's work.
A SEXIST WOULD SAY!
Terrible. Trump also wants to revitalize rural industries. That makes sense. Globalization, traded farming and manufacturing and small towns for cheap socks at Walmart made by our enemies. We can't pull ourselves up by our bootstraps when they're cheap Chinese bootstraps.
DONALD TRUMP: Our strategic national manufacturing initiative, which is going to be very big and very, very successful. We will turn forgotten communities into hives of industry producing the goods we will no longer import from China.
I got to hand it to him when it came to getting the beat on China. He was first and he was almost always alone. That's a pretty big thing to get right, especially when all his naysayers got it wrong. He's like the one guy who said, 'you know, that Hindenburg doesn't look safe. I'll take a taxi.' Now, here's my favorite proposal of all. He wants to launch a baby boom with bonuses for young parents. After all, we can't leave it all to Elon Musk and Pete Hegseth.
DONALD TRUMP: And I will ask Congress to support baby bonuses for young parents to help launch a new baby boom.
PANDEMIC BABY BOOM CAUSES DIAPER AND BABY ITEM SHORTAGE
What a great idea. I can see it now. Red hats. But instead of MAGA, it says MAFA. Make America frisky again. You didn't think I was going to be that blunt. But how about make America make Americans again? If that's not a winner, I don't know what is. You'll lock up the husband vote at a minimum. And if not, you can sell the hats to bachelorette parties. Then there's Trump's last thing. Make things beautiful.
DONALD TRUMP: Finally, I'll challenge the governors of all 50 states to join me in a great modernization and beautification campaign, getting rid of ugly buildings.
Getting rid of ugly buildings. That's the best. But of course, the guy's into real estate. He knows ugly buildings suck. I think that was the quote under his high school yearbook picture. And let's face it, most cities already look like they've done most of the demolition work already. I mean, we could just hire Antifa to do the rest. So here's what we got. We got new, inexpensive, practical cities built on available government land. We have flying cars. Yippie.
You also got repopulation and beautiful buildings. So all of this really boils down to optimism on meth, which is the best kind of optimism there is. So it's clear he's running for president. And I'm sorry, media, never Trumpers and skittish Republicans. You didn't think he was going to let you get away unscathed, did you? So wake up and get ready. The ride's about to get bumpy because for Trump, it's all about the future and he's going to be in it whether you want him to or not.
